Thursday, June 04, 2009
jus saw yiwen's blog... saw tt how she feels abt her past 2yrs... lately i also have been thinking back e past 2 yrs of my life... basically i achieved nothing and made no real progress... i didn't work... i schooled all e way but jus at different schools?? overall wad i learnt tis past near 1.5 years in UC had e greatest impact in my life... it made me change to become e person im today mostly... really... it opened my eyes to e working aspect of e world and how scary it is... how i can actually turn bitchy towards pple who clearly alr takes me as a bitch for no apparent reason and were hostile towards me... in tt i came up with an alter ego... or rather i jus named e bitchy side of mine.... it really made me realise tt e world is actually not tt all nice.... not all rainbows and sunshine and nice smelling flowers... last time in my fantasy little world, thr were absolutely zero thunderstorms... at most only cloudy days... but since e start of UC i actually understand what real thunderstorms or rather hailstorms are... really.. im jus kinda amazed tt i have never met more scums or assholes in my whole life prior to UC... seriously.. e 2 guys tt i know personally puts e caps in e scums and assholes category.... serious. and i can never ever believe how stupid i was in dealing with e both of them... looking back i really seriously have no idea y i acted in those manners cux y didn't i know how to protect myself and e pple ard me tt really cared for me?!?! i feel like slapping myself so much tt i dun even recognize myself.... looking into e mirror i cannot help but wonder if e person im staring at now even is someone i wanna become... because i cannot believe tt im how im right now... no achievements no nothing... all i can do is spend money and more money... and contribute zero things to e family.... im jus a like huge burden to e family and e pple ard me having to entertain me.... seriously. when will i ever achieve anything or even learn to contribute more?!?! for now e bitchy me i hate cux i have apparently harden myself more than ever to deal with e A to Z of irritants of my life. i hate e bitch tt comes out when dealing with those irritants but i jus cannot help it. if i dun nothing will get done. i guess i jus dun wanna grow up? i dun wanna leave my fantasy world or rather i dun want my fantasy world to start to have storms... i want rainbows, sunshines and a nice breeze everyday... growing up sucks cux e harsh realities in life jus starts to creep in and starts to corrupt u...
im getting older yet i really duno wad i wanna do... i dun have a clear direction and i clearly have got alot of things i dun wanna give up and let go. but will i or can i let go of those things when e time calls for it eventually? i really duno... i dun wanna b weak cux i dun wanna admit defeat. i wanna b e strong person tt everybody ard me thinks im but m i allowed weak moments???
sch is stressing me out clearly tt's y im typing e above stuff... i dun wanna whine and bitch abt it but i really dun have an outlet for it when time calls for it... so sry if anyone reading tis finds it lame but yeaps... i have to let it all out at occassions rites.... if not i will so b reserving a room at e chalet near my hse soon... e hougang chalet aka buangkok green medical park which is also alternatively known as institute of mental health singapore... yes... i tink they shd so reserve a VIP suite for me thr soon if everything in my life dun work out fine soon...
thr r other things in my life tt im worried abt other than sch but due to tis being so not secretive blog... i really cannot type... but yeaps... i hope everything goes fine... or rather i hope tt everything works out fine at e end... and i hope e day comes real soon like prob in e blink of e eye??? hahas... wishful thinking of mine... but still, keep my hopes high rites???!! hahas... yeaps!! keep my hopes high and hope tt i can do e right thing or rather let go of stuff at e right time. jiayou jiayou ooosh oosh!!!
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